Glamour, Sophistication and Pre-Screened One-Liners: FIFA World Cup Ceremony Goes to the US Capital.

The schedule for the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. features a lighthearted dual-language show and an ad-libbed Shakespeare company. Notably absent from the advertised schedule is this week's global football draw, likely because it is a strictly private affair. Planners appear determined to avoid any unwanted attendees from darkening the doorstep at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory spectacle where well-paid dignitaries will doubtlessly repeat the well-worn cliche that "soccer brings together the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Crew

The lavish event is set to be emceed by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside small-statured US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Collectively, they will oversee a production that will certainly have English football fans who remember longing for the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Set to last the thick end of three torturous hours, the show will feature a lengthy playlist of speechifying, overly sentimental video montages, scripted gags, famous faces, musical turns from artists with either no embarrassment or financial motivations, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Duty

Included in those helping to carrying out the ceremony? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the supervision of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of personality exhibited by these ageing sporting icons, short of an uniformed security team storming the ceremony, it's hard to envision what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an obsequious English yes-man is any kind of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the reply was vague. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are aware of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The suggestion seemed to be that premium costs are acceptable when compared with other luxury goods.

The Main Event

With 42 nations already secured a place for next year's tournament and six more set to qualify, there will be a genuine air of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the main draw begins. But as fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their own country will play in the group stages, the suspense pales in comparison to that which comes before the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "people who help bring together people in peace through steadfast dedication and notable actions." Given that the draw is in Washington and the tournament is mostly in the United States, speculation about the winner are widespread, even if the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a manager with a team on a five-match winless run, offering a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when a dismissal occur in the future.

Readers' Letters

• "Further to the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will certain performers come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"